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Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda…


The title of my story is “White Bread in a Whole Wheat World” and I have brought back memories of the places I went, the things I did, and the people I met along the way.  Hindsight is here in 2022 and todays’ vision is so much clearer to me than it was when it was happening.  Ain’t that the way it always is.  Certainly, it is for me.

I can look back on it and see with some clarity that some of who I am today is a result of situations both within and beyond my control, decisions I made and how I reacted to both.  Some decisions were spur of the moment.  Some were simple rebellion.  Some were because of my insecurities.  Some were for immediate gratification.  Some were affected by alcohol and drug abuse.  Some were for my future.  Some were for love, or sex or just a need to be close to a woman.

There were some good decisions too, though they don’t counterbalance the bad ones.  I had the basic morals that were taught by family and a Catholic education, so I knew right from wrong.  I was never a bad person though I was self-centered.  The decisions I made didn’t hurt anyone else during my first 22 years that I know of.  That wouldn’t always be the case in my next 22 but I did find the right path eventually.

A person can always look back and say, “what if?” but it’s a question that has no answer when you are looking back.

What if my mother hadn’t died at the age of 38?  I think this was pivotal for me, and probably for everyone in our family.  What if Dad hadn’t insisted that all of the kids stay together as a family and not be separated.  What if Dad hadn’t found and married Mary Lou?

What if I had decided to stay in Catholic school when given the choice after grade school? Would I have abandoned the church and become agnostic?

What if I had stayed in Junior College and not joined the Army?  Would I have finished, gotten a degree and chosen a different career? 

What if my dad had encouraged me and taken an interest in me when I was a child?  Would I have had a better relationship with him.  Would I have been so rebellious?  Would I have run away from home at age 17?  Would I have been ambivalent about my relationship with him until I was 35?

What if I had never smoked that first joint?  Would I have had different friends who didn’t do drugs? Would I have had different love relationships based on a different moral code? Would I have had a different opinion about a career in law enforcement and obeying the law relating to drugs? 

It is what it is.  That’s a saying that I always hated when people at work would say it.  I would respond with “It is what you make it”.  I think that works well in the present and for the future but looking back I would only change one word.  It is what it was. And no matter how much you wish things had been different all you can do is move on, try to make better decisions, love your family and be a better person.


Mother

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